In the previous post I published (here) I wrote about the connection between creativity and communication and then about how your intent regarding the conversation will greatly affect its outcome. I strongly recommend that you read it if you haven’t done so already.

In this post I’m going to cover a bunch of pragmatic tips that will further help you achieve the goals you want from each conversation. These tips are complementary to the approach outlined in the previous post and I’ll explain later in this post how the tips provided here and the approach described in the previous post need to be combined.

Let’s begin.

Tips 1: choosing the right communication channel

When you intend to engage in communication which is not casual (e.g. – you have some goal in mind that you’d like to achieve via this communication) it’s important to choose the right channel or medium through which this conversation will take place.

There are several options, for most of the time:

1. Face-2-face (verbal communication with physical proximity, real-time, eyes contact + body language)
2. A video conference call (verbal communication, with no physical proximity, real-time, eyes contact mostly)*
3. A phone call (verbal, no proximity, real-time, no eyes contact/body language)
4. Instant messaging (written, no proximity, semi-real-time, no eyes contact/body language)
5. Email (written, no proximity, asynchronous [no correlation between the time you write to the time you’ll get a reply], no eyes contact/body language))

As you probably figured out – these channels are ordered from the most intimate channel to the most distant one.

* A note about video conferencing – having a video conferencing with a camera turned off is almost equal to a phone call in terms of intimacy.

Now, all the channels above can also be interacted with multiple participants and not only 1:1. 

Needless to say – the more people are added to the channel, the more the level of intimacy is reduced.

Now, here are my guidelines when it comes to choosing the channel:

1. The more important for you to achieve your goal from the upcoming communication, the more intimate the channel you need to favor. For critical communication set your stage for success and go for a 1:1 face-2-face meeting.
2. Verbal communication is always preferred over written communication, if it’s important for you to achieve your goals. Written communication suffers from plenty of downsides. I covered them all in a post dedicated to the dangers of written communication. You can find it here.
3. Sometimes, though, and especially in the workplace – there is no escape from a written communication, as it’s much less time consuming. Efficiency in your workplace is important and if you can chat simultaneously with 20 people by the time you have a single face-2-face meeting – this is important. That being said, if the communication you need to engage with is sensitive – I strongly recommend that you sacrifice efficiency for the sake of achieving your goal and maintaining a good relationship with the person you need to have this sensitive conversation with. Written communication can go wrong in so many ways and it’s hard to take back (again, read my post about this).
4. When engaging in video conferencing, I strongly recommend turning on your camera. Yes, even if your room is messy, or you still didn’t put your makeup on. It will automatically increase the level of intimacy of the conversation and help you improve your goals.
5. Email is a great channel, but never use it if you expect fast replies. 
6. Instant messaging (IM) on the other hand, is being abused way too often. If you need something from someone, but it doesn’t have to be right now – send this person an email. Instant messages are interruptions causing context switching. If you are abusing IM with your peers (Slack) or even your spouse (Whatsapp or the similars), you are encouraging negative emotions toward you, even if only subconsciously.  
7. Switch channels when things go south. For example, a few weeks ago I got a Slack message from someone at work who made me really upset. I took a few minutes to relax and then asked this person if we could do a short Zoom. He agreed. We switched to this more ‘intimate’ medium and sorted it out.

Choose the right channel for the job to increase the success of your upcoming communication.

Tip 2: Using the right language

There are words and phrases that will help you achieve the goals you want, and there are others that will do the exact opposite. Some of them may surprise you….

Words & expressions that you should avoid

The following words & expressions, if said or written may cause the other side to ‘close up’ and they will stop listening. Often it will be accompanied with a ‘closing body language’ such as crossing their arms.

Let’s go over those:

1. ‘No’ – merely saying this common word may cause the other side to shut down. And of course, I’m not talking about the ‘factual no’, when you’re being asked if something is true or false and you simply state that the statement is untrue. I’m talking about cases when you’re being asked to do or agree to something which doesn’t seem reasonable to you. There are plenty of ways to reply in such cases (and we’ll address them shortly), and replying with ‘no’ is not one of them. Replying with ‘no’ leaves the other side with no alternatives. They are facing a non-flexible response which gives the impression that there is no one to talk to or reason with. Depending on the persona, it may cause the other side to become frustrated, angry, or just confused. None of those will lead you to your desired goal. 
2. ‘No way’, ‘can’t do it’, ‘no can do’ and similar ones are just an alternative version of the classic ‘no’. To some people, it will sound a bit ‘softer’, but many will react just the same and interpret it as ‘the other side is not flexible, nor cooperative’.
3. ‘It makes no sense’, ‘inconceivable’, ‘plain wrong’, ‘you think?!’ and similar will just hint to the other side that you think they are idiots. Whether you truly think that about them or not – it doesn’t matter. Using these phrases won’t help you achieve your goal from the conversation. It will just shut down the other side.

So, what should you say/write in cases of disagreements? After all, disagreements rise naturally all the time and can’t just agree with the other side because we don’t want them to ‘shut down’.

Words & expressions that you should embrace

Here are some alternative phrases and expressions to handle sensitive conversations and disagreements:

1. ‘Okay, I hear you, but I’d like to suggest another approach’
2. ‘I totally understand where you’re coming from, but it creates a problem for me. Here is why…’
3. ‘I think it’s a bit problematic and let me explain why’
4. ‘Hmm.. maybe I didn’t understand – are you suggesting that [whatever]? Because if so – I’m not sure it’s a good idea. Here is why’
5. ‘It’s an interesting idea/direction, but I’m sure we can upgrade/improve on it.’
6. ‘I have a bad experience with this approach – listen to this…’

And I can go on…

But you get the idea, right?

All these expressions leave the other side with the feeling that they have a reasonable person that is willing to explore options together with them for resolving the disagreement. Yes, some of the expressions above are more flexible than the others – but none of them will cause the other side to shut down or get the feeling that you are not being cooperative.

Now, if you get the feeling that generating a cooperative conversation requires more effort than a non-cooperative one – then you are definitely correct.

Yes, engaging in a cooperative and productive conversation, especially when there are fundamental disagreements, requires significant effort. If we connect it to the previous post where we learned that communication is a ‘creative activity’, then yes – generating a welcoming communication requires more ‘CPU power’ from your creative engine in your brain.

The good news is that your brain is an adaptive machine. Once you start changing the language you use and understand that disagreements and sensitive conversations are part of life, your brain will adjust, and engaging in cooperative communication will become much more natural.

Tips 3 – When a previous communication leaves you with negative emotions

Sometimes a conversation you participated in or an email you read can upset you, frustrate you or even offend you. Keeping these emotions inside and not resolving them will leave you with bitterness, which will later resurface when you are interacting with this person again.

As a result, it will distort your true intention when you participate in these future conversations, and you may overreact.

Therefore, it’s crucial to diffuse these emotions or otherwise they’ll become a ticking bomb.

If this conversation took place in your workplace you can release some steam by talking about it with your spouse. If this conversation happened with one of your personal relationships, then you may vent about it to a friend. However, none of those will completely disarm this bomb.

In most cases, the most effective way to handle such cases is to talk about it with the person who made you feel this way. 

Here is what I’d recommend doing in such cases:

1. Disengage from any further communication with this person until you are calm and your current negative emotions are dissolved. Strong negative emotions will greatly sabotage your chances of getting what you want from the upcoming conversation.
2. Once you are emotionally balanced again, address it as soon as you can by re-engaging with this person, or otherwise the ticking bomb may explode unexpectedly in one of the future communications with this person. Most of the time it will be expressed by you bringing your ‘baggage’ into an unrelated conversation, and just making a fool of yourself. You don’t want that.
3. If it’s the first time your interaction with this person was negative, and it’s a relationship you’d like to nurture, then it might make sense to open the conversation by expressing how you felt after your last interaction. The upside of talking about your feelings is that no one can argue with those. Nobody can tell you how you felt. However, be careful not to use it in a manipulative way. For example, telling someone ‘I feel that you screwed me over’ is not really expressing your emotions, even though you used the verb ‘feel’. That’s just a pure blame, and it’s not gonna get you the sympathy you’re looking for.
4. If you had some repetitive negative experience with this person, even though you tried to smooth things out after several such interactions, it may be the time to admit that you and this person are not going to be friends. If it’s a work related relationship – that’s okay. It’s nearly impossible to be likable by everyone, especially if you don’t control the other’s side motives (such as ego, envy or just stupidity). Don’t try to lecture them, nor educate them. It’s a waste of time. The best would be to keep this relationship strictly concrete and professional. There is also no point in investing in the intimacy of this relationship, so you can maintain it on the ‘low intimacy’ channels if you wish. If this is a personal relationship, however – well, this is where things may get complicated, and it goes beyond communication and into ‘relationship management’. A topic I have no intention of getting into (for the time being). Best of luck with that…

Combining it all together

In this post, I was trying to equip you with some pragmatic tips that you can apply when you’re communicating with other people in your workplace and/or your personal life.

When I try to combine the tips of this post with the wisdom of the previous post about intentions and creativity, then I’d say the following:

• Your true intent when approaching a communication will always be the dominant power on whether the upcoming communication will be successful in terms of your goals or not. This is because the creative power of your brain is mainly affected by your intentions.
• Understanding which phrases to use and which to avoid equips the creative part of your brain with more options to choose from. The more you use the ‘constructive’ phrases at the expense of the ‘non-constructive’ ones – the more your brain will favor them in future communication. Essentially, this is training.
• ‘Setting up the stage’ by choosing the right channel in advance will further increase your chances of meeting your goals, so don’t overlook that.
• When it’s important for you to have a good relationship with a person, invest in the communication with this person and don’t be afraid to expose your feelings. However, sometimes it wasn’t meant to be and that’s ok as well.

That’s it for today.

Wishing you effective communication!

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